Sunshine After the Storm

Yesterday I had my first miscarriage ever. 

I’m sure everyone feels this way, but it was just so unexpected. It was devastating to feel the early signs of one. I prayed all day that it wouldn’t happen. There were cramps and bleeding and lots of tears. I just kept hoping against hope and trying to convince myself that everything would be okay. For whatever reason, this pregnancy was not meant to be. We were both so saddened over it all, it felt crushing, something is being ripped away from you and there’s nothing you can do about it. Truman came home earlier and sat at the edge of the sofa in front of me and we hugged and cried together. Tears for the loss of a baby we thought we would meet and the love that we alreasy felt for a third baby to join our family. Truman tried to cheer me up and go get Costa Vida to cheer me up, but it was all just too hard. He took the kids to his Mom’s house while I had my miscarriage. But called my friend Crystal who I knew had also had one and she comforted me on the phone.

 I was 9 weeks 5 days pregnant & felt I was getting into the safe zone and I had just started telling our family the week prior. 

I feel so much peace from this artwork  — it felt like a tender mercy because it was the cover of the Ensign for that month. This artwork speaks to my heart because of that ancestors in heaven reaching down buoying you up, and putting their loving hands on your shoulders to let you know it will be okay and they know what you’re going through. 

I also find peace and comfort in this quote about looking toward the sun. I know my family will grow again one day, just not now. 

I find solace and love and hope and happiness in these two children I get to take care of. I’m grateful I have them and hold them and pour my heart into them. Everyone heals in different ways. Yesterday I cried my eyes out. Today, it made me feel better to take them out on a donut today and play at the park. Doing something for them, watching them play, feeling the sunshine, & the fresh air was what I needed to heal.