Call it pregnancy hormones. Call it whatever you may. But I am sitting here blubbering like a baby about not wanting
my baby to grow up. We just had an eight hour drive home from our two day trip to Disneyland. We unpacked the car, grabbed some pizza for dinner, put little Elle to bed, watched
Patriot Games, and then I sat there in the stillness after the movie, & it all
hit me like a load of bricks. The water works that is. The realization that
my baby is
not so baby anymore.
We had the most wonderful time at Disneyland and...it's over. Elle does not need much to make her happy. These last few days have been some of her at her best. She kept saying to Truman over the course of our trip "Dada, don't go work." She wants her family around her so badly. If you are lucky she will ask to snuggle your face, well not so much ask but grab your face, pull it to hers, and snuggle it cheek to cheek. Disneyland was some amazing family bonding time. This girls two favorite things are family and Princesses! She wants to dress up like a Princess incessantly. However, she does not deem herself a Princess until she's wearing her fancy new butterfly Cinderella dress, her blue bead Cinderella necklace, and a matching blue ribbon in her hair. She loves her Princess wand, rings, heels (which she is quite good at walking/running/jumping in!), necklaces, and crowns. Oh my! Her play is so sweet. I love to hear her nonsensical chatter. I love the sound of her voice and seeing the pure glee from her play. She will not hesitate to spin a circle for you to show off her dress. She wants you and anyone to dress up with her so badly. She is most happy when she is in her Cinderella dress. Oh if it were only so easy to always make her that happy throughout her life.
She is at the most precious stage where she thinks everyone is her friend. She thinks everyone is kind and beautiful. She did the sweetest thing over and over and over again at Disneyland, something Truman & I never foresaw. From our first moment in the park, every little girl dressed as a Princess we passed she would gasp! She'd yell "looook! It's Sleeping Beauty!" or whoever she saw. She would cry and could not rest until we had caught up the little one and Elle could babble to her about the dress and show hers as well. Elle thought all the little Princesses were the real Princesses. Even when she met the actual Disney Princesses, she thought they were spectacular but only about a ten percent different in excitement between a little girl dressed as Jasmine and the real Jasmine! heehee. We could be in line for a ride or show and she would make a break for it to go see the little Princess passing.
While we waiting in line for the restroom, there was a little girl wearing a Tiana costume and Elle exclaims, "Oh my gosh! Your dress!". She bubbles over as the little girl turns around and Elle immediately embraces her. This occurrence happened numerous times! She wanted so badly to talk to them, she would put her arms out and lean into them for a hug, and then would examine their dress and talk about what Princess they were. She would say, "It's bootiful" and her little fingers would carefully examine their dress as she would unintelligibly babble to them as if they were old friends. She was totally and adorably oblivious to their personal bubble. Never once did it occur to her that someone might not want to talk Princess with her or hug her or be her friend. She is so innocent and tender hearted. I don't anyone to ever break her spirit. I wish I could keep her from growing up. If only there were a way I could keep her from disappointment, sadness, pain, and loneliness. What a magical age she is at! I cry all over again at the thought of taking her to Disneyland next time and her not thinking that she and all the other little girls are Princesses, that she won't run up and hug them, that she won't, and won't admire all the little dresses.
Elle could have spent all day at Sleeping Beauty's Castle and with all the Princesses and with her Mama and Dada. She could care less for the rides. It was a sort of Heaven for me to see my little girl shining so brightly. People kept commenting on how adorable and sweet she was. They would say she was my clone. It was also nostalgic to see her dressed up like Cinderella at Disneyland when I had only dressed up like Cinderella at the same park seven months earlier.
Since she's gotten her Cinderella dress, we don't let her wear it outside of the house. Disneyland was a special exception where she was allowed to wear her dress, beads, ribbons, and hair tie. She kept looking at us like, is this right? This morning as we busily packed up our hotel room, unbeknown to us, she had gotten herself all ready for the park. She managed to get her dress on over her jammies, put her little shoes on, her necklace over her head, holding her ribbon, and put herself up in the stroller and beamed with excitement and as she told us she was all ready. Oh how I didn't want to break her two years and eight month old heart. How do you tell that little girl that we were not going to see the Princesses and that we had to go home. Tears welled up in her eyes and she begged to go to the castle and see the Princesses.
Can't she always just stay little? Why does she have to grow up? Why do I ever have to divide my attention? She is what life is really about. She has brought me a certain happiness and joy that nothing else ever has. She is a light in my heart. Why do I ever have to disappoint her? I don't want her to know sorrow. I wish to always make her happy. I want to always just be able to have her Dada stay home from work, spend my time with her, let her dress up, see Princesses, and just make her day every day. I wish it would always be this easy...that Mommy would always have the answers and could make everything better...
I am still blubbering as I write this as I think of my sweet Elle sound asleep in her warm bed without a care in the world. Dreaming of Princesses, castles, stuffed animals, donuts, Princess fruit snacks, juice, kitties, and sausage. heehee. I know she will be so disappointed when Dada has to go to work tomorrow. I know she will ask for Princesses and dress up but I know I can still make her happy.
I wish I could explain to Elle how we did this trip for her. Truman & I both talked about how it truly meant so much to us. We took the whole trip easy. Every show I couldn't keep my eyes off her, just wanting to see her reaction and glee. Our thought process going into was, what would make Elle happy? What would Elle want to do? I have the best memories from this trip. I wish Elle could remember it always. I know I will have to be suffice with our pictures, video clips, and my memories written for her here. I love that little girl more than she can understand. Even though I have had innumerable difficult times with her, she always makes up for it and I enjoy her spirit more every day.
Elle,
I wish I could keep you this exact same age, oh please just six months more. I wouldn't let you grow up if I could. You are loved my Elle Belle, my GeeGee, my Fuss Fuss. I am always here loving you.
Love, Mommy
